Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) understands that the glue of relationships lies in our emotional bonds. Our heart connections matter in friendship, family relationships, and intimate partnerships.

We can injure our emotional bonds in a variety of ways — being human is complicated.

While relationship repair generally doesn't happen without effort, the good news is that there are some keys to creating relationship repair. We can take steps to earn forgiveness.

What are relationship injuries?

In a partnership, often, the first thing that comes to mind when we think of an injury is an affair. These painful betrayals can be utterly disorienting to the injured partner — wait, you said you were here on Tuesday, but you were there? 

The world view of the injured partner is shaken; the ground underneath their feet feels unstable. They feel blind-sided.

Other relationship injuries may be less dramatic but still corrosive to an attachment bond.

Emotional affairs do happen.

Addictions, including porn, occur.

There may be things left unsaid that impact a partner — for example, information about finances, health, or past experiences not directly spoken.

“ We are all vulnerable in love. We are more emotionally naked with those we love and sometimes, inevitably, we hurt each other with careless words or actions.”

Dr Sue Johnson

Are you there for me?

The strength of an attachment bond is indicated by a 'yes' to the question: "Are you there for me? Can I count on you?"

After an injury or betrayal, minor irritations often become more prominent. Without repair of the primary painful event, forgetting to get the milk gets magnified.

Fears and blocks to relationship repair

The injured person

The hurt person might feel, "If I let go of my pain and say it's OK, it will happen again."

The injured person may not believe their partner is also in pain and feeling bad. 

And the person who is hurting may tell themselves: "If I forgive, I won't be able to talk about my pain again."

While some information about a betrayal does need to be shared, a person in pain can get obsessed with the details and have difficulty letting go and moving on.

Suffering can become familiar, and it can be hard to let go of it to step into the unknowns of trusting again.

The injuring person

For the injuring person, a challenge may be in feeling defensive and blaming circumstances or the other: "It was the fault of my bad marriage (or the fault of my partner) that I strayed." 

They may minimize the impact of their actions. 

The offending party may have already apologized and yet not realize that more is still needed.

Or they may be overwhelmed with remorse: "If I admit to the reality of my hurtful action and the impact on my partner, I will drown in my shame and guilt."

Keys in relationship repair

Repairing from betrayal is tough without help. While individual therapy can be helpful, a couples therapist is often essential to support challenging and vulnerable conversations.

If the betrayal is an affair, it must be over for genuine healing to begin and the emotional bond to be re-established. The injuring partner needs to assume total responsibility.

The problems in the relationship before the injury did not cause the affair -- but the existing relationship patterns must be explored and addressed.

Most likely, they need to address underlying relational patterns to which both have contributed to create a new bond that is more durable.

Healing takes time and often comes in waves.

Possible feelings and messages

A key to repair in relationships is that the injured person feels regret, remorse, and empathy. "I feel that you feel my pain." The person we have hurt has the experience that we authentically get their pain and feels the magnitude of the injury too.

"If causing me pain also hurts you, and you are equally afraid of losing our relationship, then I can begin to believe your love, regret, and wish that you had never done it."

An important message sent by the injuring partner is, "I wish I could go back in time and undo the thing that caused you pain." 

It's helpful to gain a deeper understanding of the underlying confusion, poor self-esteem, loneliness, and vulnerability of the injuring partner.

The person responsible for the betrayal may have new realizations that they are cherished by their partner and be surprised by this. The relationship may have become distant and warm feelings less pronounced.

Signs that a relationship repair has been successful

Often after repair, couples feel closer than they were before. A successful repair creates an accessible, responsive, and emotionally connected partnership.

Emotions become lighter. The couple doesn't forget the betrayal, but it becomes a softer pain that moves to a more distant position.

The couple deepens their understanding of the underlying issues for both.

Related topics and situations no longer trigger anger and mistrust. The injured person can now trust that they won't be hurt in this way again and can express love for their partner.

The couple can get beyond a 'good person vs. a bad person'; an 'innocent vs. guilty' person. They can see themselves as two people in this human condition who both have strengths and weaknesses and are both struggling.

The couple feels closer, reinvests in their relationship, and realizes how much they have to lose. They are willing to venture into take two of a re-created partnership.

Take the next step

Give yourself the gift of healing by reaching out for EFT couples therapy today.