Supercharge a Good Relationship (or Accelerate Your Couples Therapy)
John Gottman is a psychologist and prolific researcher of what makes partnerships satisfying and lasting. He's published his findings in journals, written many books, offered countless couples' workshops, and interviewed and worked with many dyads — all with remarkable success in improving the quality of relationships. Gottman has infused hope into angst-filled relationships and catapulted the arena of couples therapy into unprecedented success.
Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples aligns with Gottman’s research findings, successfully transforming relationships.
What Distinguishes Happy Couples?
What shifts allow couples to build a positive, solid relationship foundation that only improves with time? And what allows negative patterns to have a diminishing effect?
While some couples have dramatic turning points and overhauls, research tells us simple shifts and changes have the most long-term impact.
Quantity vs. Quality Time
Finding sufficient time to be together can be challenging for many couples. The stresses of demanding jobs, the needs of young children, and relentless life stressors make it hard to have a quantity of time, much less quality time together.
Gottman found that couples who feel motivated to prioritize their relationships find the time — they make it. And they use their time well.
He found clear patterns of how these fulfilled couples use their time to connect. While there is some variation, generally, happy couples devote six hours per week to their relationship.
Gottman's 'Six Magic Hours'
Partings
Contented couples check in with each other in the morning before leaving for their work days. They each learn one anticipated happening in their partner's life that day, asking questions and sharing about the expected highs and lows of the day ahead.
This partings ritual is a total of 2 minutes a day for five working days.
Reunions
Upon reuniting at the end of the day, happy partners have a 'ritual of connection." They share a hug and a kiss that lasts at least six seconds. Gottman calls this a "kiss with potential" — that adds exciting anticipation to coming home.
After the six-second kiss, the couple has a conversation that lasts for at least 20 minutes. This conversation is one with empathy and understanding of the stresses both are facing outside the relationship.
This non-sexual intimacy is stress-reducing and creates a transitional space from the stresses of the work day and a re-entry into a safe emotional connection.
The time for this 'reunion ritual' is 20 minutes a day for five working days (or 1 hour and 40 minutes per week.
Appreciation and Admiration
Satisfied, untroubled couples try to notice traits they admire and appreciate in their partner. Neuroscience tells us that survival wiring creates a tendency for our minds to look for signals of threat and danger. Because of this negative bias, finding negative qualities in our intimate partners can be automatic. Efforts to go against this biological tendency can be highly beneficial in partnership.
Gottman suggests using an admiration journal to record small observations of their partner and connect them to an admirable trait. Awareness leads to verbalizing appreciation and affection to a partner.
With practice, our minds become primed to see positive traits. And a self-reinforcing pattern can become the norm.
The time needed for appreciation and admiration is 5 minutes a day, seven days a week.
Affection
Fulfilled couples create a habit of embracing each other before falling asleep each night. This ritual can be as simple as a kiss, a hug, or time cuddling.
These moments of affection are an excellent way to drain off any stress or disconnection that may have crept into your day.
The time needed for expression of affection is only 5 minutes a day for every day of the week.
Date Night
Date night is just 2 hours a week and an important 'we time' that supports the quality connection. During the date, you focus on turning toward each other, asking open-ended questions, listening, and sharing.
State of the Union Meeting
Gottman recommends that couples dedicate an hour weekly to focus on areas of concern within the relationship. Each person can directly address any fears and worries.
When you know you will have the space to talk about a problematic area or issue, it's much easier to put it aside during the week.
Partners can take turns being speakers and listeners. This ritual increases the chance that one partner can bring forward an issue without being met with the defensiveness and resistance of the other.
The state of the union meeting increases the possibility that partners feel equality in initiating problems that result in both feel heard and understood.
Putting ‘Six Magic Hours’ into Action
Start where you are and build from there. Many couples instinctively do some of these activities, even if not consistently. Start with what comes easily and weave it naturally into your routine. Make it deliberate and predictable.
Many couples find it supportive to set aside the same time each week for date nights and state-of-the-union conversations. Once you have some in place, work on adding the other ideas until you can do all six hours.
Seek Professional Help
If the underlying build-up of unresolved issues and negative patterns makes it hard to do six hours a week as Gottman suggests, give yourself the gift of couples therapy.
We now know so much about what makes relationships work well. You can recreate your relationship! Contact me today.